Practice, Practice, Practice

One of the things that I need needed to change in my life, like so many other people, is was my lack of exercise.  I've started working out regularly for the last two months, so I feel like I'm making good progress in that department.  But, it's not something that's ever going to go away.  I'm going to have to keep doing the exercise, keep making healthy food choices, and keep choosing to be healthy over junky and lazy.  That used to sound like some kind of terrible prison  sentence.  But, the more I practice it, all of it, the easier it gets.  And the more I choose the right path, the more that becomes what I truly want.  The junky stuff is slowly becoming the stuff that I'd rather not eat.  Huh.  I would have never thought that would happen.

I grew up skinny,  thin-like-a-pencil, and ate whatever I wanted.  I was a sugar maniac.  I remember as a teen, some friends of my parents came to visit, and were just amazed at how much junk food I could eat, and 1) not get sick and 2) be so darn skinny.  I just laughed.  Now, almost 25 years later, things are different, and I totally see what they meant!   I ate terribly, because it didn't matter.  

Now, it does matter.  It's taking a lot of practice to change those habits.  Practice, practice, and more practice.  That's all it takes.  Practice Makes Progress.  Not perfection, but progress.  Sometimes it's hard to see how much progress you're really making.  It helps to look back, to write down where you started, to look forward to a goal you've set for yourself.   For me, I set a goal to do that crazy infomercial workout,  P90X with my husband.  90 days.  Insane workouts.  My goal was to just get through it, the best that I could.   I'm about 1/2 way through with it now, and I'm noticeably stronger.

Three weeks ago,  one of the workouts was this crazy shoulder, chest & triceps workout.  Push ups.  90million push ups.  Regular ones, wide ones, one armed ones, ones where you jump up and clap in the middle.  Did I mention I can't --I mean CAN NOT do push ups?  I don't mean I can only do a few, I can't do any.  So this workout was so frustrating.  I tried.  But if you can't do a regular push up, you can't do a one armed push up, now can you?   I stuck with it. I tried.  I practiced.  I failed.  But I didn't give up.  Practiced some more the next week, and the week after that.  Then, yesterday, at my new challenging yoga class (I call it 'Killer Yoga'....it's brutal but fun.) PROGRESS!  I did a full push-up.  A full-on guy-style toes on the floor, legs straight with knees not on the floor, butt not sticking up in the air, correct form push up!  The funny part was, I didn't intentionally try for it... It just kind of happened, and I was stunned! It might have been 'only one' push-up, but it was HUGE progress.  Progress isn't always easy to see.  It really likes to quietly sneak up on you, but only if you keep practicing when you can't see it yet.

That same idea carries over to other areas of life.  Other things that need practicing.  There are other ways I want to see progress, but don't yet.  Catching up and keeping up with paperwork.  Cleaning and organizing.  Spending time in prayer and meditation.  Practice. It's all about the practice.  Keep practicing.  Keep trying.  Little by little those things will add up until suddenly the progress will be visible.

How about you?  Is there an area where you are practicing something? Waiting to see some progress?  Don't give up.  It will happen if you keep working for it!

Set a goal.

Practice.

Practice again.

Practice a little more.

Keep practicing.

Celebrate each little bit of progress as it sneaks up on you.

Keep practicing.

Keep celebrating.

That goal will become reality.

May you be blessed by both the practice and progress!

3 down, 37 to go...

40 days of yoga.  Three days down.  37 left to go.

Last night, I went to Hot Yoga at the studio.  It kicked my butt.  I don't know if it was the heat, or the asthma, or not eating dinner first, but it was hard.  I thought I was going to throw up.  I thought I was going to literally pass out (at which point I skipped a balancing posture sequence in favor of child's pose).  It was hard, but I kept going.   I kept the mean voice at bay.  I finished the class and felt fantastic when it was over.

Right now, I'm measuring my progress with two different things.  The first, is a simple forward fold.  You know, bending over and touching your toes?  Well, when I first started, I really couldn't even touch my toes.  Now,  I can pretty easily fold over and place my hands flat on the floor next to my feet.  If I'm really warmed up, I can even slide my hands, palms up, under my toes and completely under my feet.  Hooray for progress.    Seated forward fold is less flexible, but at least I can more than touch my toes there now too.  I think my hands were only able to go about 1/2 way down my shins before.

The second way I'm measuring my progress is with crow pose. This is a pose that I saw at the beginning and completely wrote off.  I will NEVER be able to do that one.  Go see what it looks like here.  Okay, so now you see what crow looks like.  In crow, you are completely balancing ALL of your body weight on your wrists.  Did I mention that I broke my wrist and have a titanium plate and four screws in there?  My wrist just doesn't bend all the way anymore.  So, this crow pose?  Not gonna happen.  No matter how hard I work. Or so I thought.

Last week, I was brave enough to ask my friendly yoga instructor if she had any ideas on how to make things easier on my wrist.  Sometimes we hold poses on it that are just really uncomfortable.  Or that I have to quit early.  So I asked if she had any advice.  She told me to buy a wedge to use for support and try that.  So I did. 

Before the wedge, when it was time for crow, I'd balance on my wrists, with my knees up on my elbows, but with both feet completely on the floor.  More weight on my feet than my arms.  Not even close.  Then I'd watch everyone else and be really impressed.   Tuesday, I got up on the wedge with my wrists, high enough on my toes, that I could take a tiny, nano-second, hop up onto my wrists before falling back onto my feet.  Just a fraction of a second, but MY FEET WERE OFF THE FLOOR!!!  The next night, last night, I managed to get up into it again.  I was all the way up with just the very tippiest part of my toes just barely touching the floor.  SO close.  I  could hold it there for several breaths.  I CAN DO THIS!  I can do CROW!  Not yet, but I will.   And when I do, I'll be posting a picture of it here for all to see. 

How do you measure progress? Is there something that seems almost impossible that you are working on, too?  I'd love to hear about it.

Set your target and keep trying until you reach it.

Napoleon Hill (1883-1970) American speaker and motivational writer.

First Workshop

On Saturday, I went to my first yoga workshop.  Or specialty class.  Or whatever it's called.  It was on Yoga Nidra, which is yogic sleep, or conscious relaxation.   A very relaxing class, literally.  I got three big things from this class.

1.  Yoga is about calming the mind, and controlling your thoughts.  Even the physical practices of yoga are about focusing your thoughts, and quieting that voice in your head that won't.shut.up.  I kind of knew this, but needed the reminder.  I call it the Be Still, and know that I am God process.  I need a lot of practice on this one.

2.  Each of us has an energy, and depending on how we live our lives, that energy is different.  If we drink, and smoke, steal and do drugs, our energy will be very different than if we live our life practicing faith, reading scriptures, and doing good works.  That's what the teacher said!  I loved hearing that in a yoga class.   Before going to the class, I was a little worried that there would be some weirdness or other that I would have to ignore, and instead I heard "read scripture and do good works".  Take that people who think yoga is devil worship!  ;)

3.  It's very annoying and irritating when people fall asleep three minutes into the hour long practice and start snoring!  Okay, seriously, it was.  And they did.  Several of them.  But I'm being thankful this week, not resentful, so I'm going to focus on being thankful for learning the process of this practice. I am not going to be frustrated that I couldn't concentrate because of the snoring, and lawn mowers, and traffic, and thingy banging on the roof in the wind.  Maybe it was all a test of my ability to focus and clear my mind.  Clearly I failed, since I found myself annoyed and thinking of possible facebook status updates regarding the snorers!  Oh well.  Practice makes progress!  ;)

It's important to take time to truly relax and let the body rest.  I've gone to other restorative yoga classes (without the snoring) and come out feeling more refreshed than if I'd taken a nap.  

May you be blessed with some true relaxation today.

Staff Meeting - Take Two...

Sometimes, it takes seeing yourself from someone else's eyes to realize something about yourself.  That's what happened this week.  I had two people tell me that my list from the Monday Morning Staff Meeting last week was scary.  I think one said it was scary, and the other said it stressed her out reading it.  Now, that list was a very reduced size list from what I would usually use as my to do list to set myself up for failure.  That list was my heavily-edited-to-just-one-or-two-things per area list.   Those two comment-makers would have had a heart attack if they knew what I wanted to write! I thought I was going pretty easy on myself.  And yet two people thought that it was scary and stressful.  So, it's time that maybe I really take an even longer, harder look at how whacked-out I am how I'm still being unrealistic in my expectations for myself.
Now, that being said, the list from last week did make a big difference in my week.  I felt a lot more focused, and on task, as long as I was getting something from the list accomplished each day.  I  didn't get everything done before Friday like I had hoped, but I also didn't beat myself up about it.  More of the list got done than not, and so I consider that a success.  I definitely found it helpful to sit down and have a 'meeting' with myself and plan a little.  But I do plan to rethink my expectations for myself, to be sure.

So, thank you girls, for the eye-opening comments.  I clearly need your perspectives.  This week is spring break, and so my list is going to be a little more focused on fun rather than work, but I'm hoping it's a lot more balanced, and not at all scary or stressful.  Since it's spring break, I'm going to consider the whole week an O.F.F. (official fraddling Friday) week.  Ten things for Ten Days without school. Ten ways to Fraddle (show love and spread joy).  Ten ways to live in the moment and enjoy time with my boys.  Here goes nothing:

Go somewhere new.
Read something.

Explore something.

Build something.

Clean something.

Grow something.

Cook something.

Plant something.

Investigate something.

Scout something.

  If we can make a game out of the 'cleaning something', then they will all be fun things too.  We'll probably be going somewhere new, to the Dallas Zoo, maybe taking the TRE to get there.  We're going to explore the newly reopened local library, build something at the Lego Store, plant some veggies for our garden, grow some of our seeds from last year, scout out new parks for the summer,  and investigate....well, I'll leave that open to my boys to decide.  So it could be anything from spiders to volcanoes to mud puddles.  But I know it will be fun.  And hopefully, this list was a lot less scary and stressful!  And I promise to work hard on keeping my next week's list unstressful too, even once we're back in the real world of school and work.

May you be blessed by taking it easy on yourself this week.  

You deserve a break!

It's an O.F.F. Day

I've declared Fridays to be 'O.F.F.' days.  That's short for Official Fraddling Fridays.

If you're new to fraddling, it simply means doing something for someone because they love it and you love them. It doesn't have to be complicated.  It could be as simple as letting the boys throw rocks in mud puddles.  (Is there anything more joyful for a little boy then mud?)  I think of fraddling as being present, being intentional, showing love, and spreading joy.  Check out SomeGirlsWebsite for more from the creator of Fraddling.

So, Fridays are now reserved, as much as possible, for Fraddle.  I'm aiming to get as much work done Monday-Thursday as I can, so that I can simply have fun fraddling on Fridays.  Maybe your schedule can't take a whole day for Fraddle.  But you can find time somewhere this week to show your love and give someone joy. 

It's easy.  It's fun.  And it's oh-so-rewarding.  You should try it!

May you find ways to bless someone

(and in the process be blessed yourself) 

with fraddle this week.

Lessons from the Happy Monster Band

 Sometimes, lessons come from the most unexpected places.  Like the PlayHouse Disney lineup on the Disney channel.  My littlest is on the couch right now watching the Happy Monster Band.  From the kitchen, I hear one of their songs... "Practice Makes Progress".  Now, I have always said or heard, 'practice makes PERFECT'.  And since I have such perfectionist tendencies, I tend to want to either do it perfectly, or just scrap it and not even try.  This is a huge problem, and something that I'm working really hard to let go.  Like my friend, SomeGirl says, we are recovering perfectionists.  So, hearing this song 'Practice Makes PROGRESS' really struck me.  Here are just a few lines from the song:

Practice Makes Progress

It will help you be the best

practice makes progress

it will help you find success

(If you want to hear the whole thing, click the link 

and the song will be on the bottom right 

once the playhouse Disney page comes up. )

It's true, isn't it?  The whole point of us working on things, practicing things, whether it's yoga or cleaning & organizing, or eating right, is to make progress.  Do any of us really, truly, think we can achieve perfection? No.  We might aim for it, and I might expect it of myself, but I don't think it's actually possible. Actually, I know it's not possible.  None of us are perfect.  So that means I'm automatically set in a position for failure, at least in my head.  I like the idea of expecting progress instead.   Lately, instead of beating myself up about not reaching those crazy perfectionist goals, I've simply been telling myself that a little + a little + a little =  success.  It will add up and get you there.  

One of the other things that struck me came from a conversation with my friend, J., yesterday.   She and I talked about always feeling defeated, because we're always having something come up, and then we get off track and have to keep starting over.  It feels like we're endlessly starting over.  Which is depressing.  But, maybe we need to just rethink that.  Maybe it's just all in our perspective.  As long as we do keep starting over, we're that much closer to success.  As long as we don't give up when unexpected things come up, we'll stay on the right track simply because we do keep starting over.


I have a long way to go, but I can already see these little + little + little adding up.  My house is cleaner.  The kids area of the garage is organized now where they can just go out and grab something to play with, and have a spot to put it back.  (This is a huge deal now that it's starting to warm up outside.) My messy pit office floor is clear, and the couch isn't piled with boxes of stuff anymore.  That list that I made this week at my pretend  "staff meeting"?  It has really helped me focus on what to do.  SomeGirl told me it stressed her out to read it, and I can see that.  But for me, it's helping me to feel successful, because I didn't put any crazy time goals on there.  I'll just try to achieve those things this week sometime. It's also helping me feel successful, because as long as I'm doing something from that list, I'm on the right track.  Before, I was telling myself,  "Today I'll work on the office.  Or the kitchen.  Or the laundry."  So then, if I was working on laundry on the "office day" I'd feel like I was off track.  But it's all part of the bigger picture, the bigger job.  And aiming to have it done so that I can just do whatever on Friday with the boys is VERY motivating!

Things are clicking.  Things are adding up.  

Things are getting more balanced!  

WooHoo!!

   Yee-haw! (This is Texas, after all...)

and ALLELUIA!  

Or, as my youngest just said,

"Yabba Dabba Scooby Dooby Doo!"

May you be blessed with seeing  

PROGRESS 

in things you are working on, too!

Monday Morning Staff Meeting

One of the things I'm doing to find balance is reading some blogs on uncluttering and being more productive.  One of them suggested scheduling a twenty minute meeting with yourself to figure out what you really need to accomplish.  Now, granted, this was aimed at people who have so-called "real" jobs, but since I've already established here that I have multiple jobs, I'm adopting the idea.   I'm calling it my Monday Morning Staff Meeting, I've got my work boots on, and you're invited to tag along.

Ok, team, here's what needs to get accomplished this week, in no particular order:

Let's start with you, Office Manager.  Tackle that pile of paperwork on your desk and get it cleared off.  When you get done with that, I want you to get those two baskets of "to do" and "to file" stuff finally taken care of.  Get your email cleared out again too.
Housekeeping?  I know it's still raining and muddy out, but you've really got to get those floors mopped and vaccumed. Yes, I know they'll just be dirty again two minutes later, but do it anyway.  Finish getting the laundry done also please.
Yoga girl?  You need to get to the studio and get in at least three classes this week.  And start off the other days with fifteen minutes of practice too. I don't care how bad your asthma is making you feel, go anyway.  You'll feel better when you're through.
Head chef? You need to get the weeks menus planned out and get the shopping done.  Let's have at least a couple of slow cooker nights, so you can have the kitchen cleaned up before dinner.  Make sure you tell the dishwasher that she is not to leave without the kitchen being fulled cleaned at the end of each evening.
Faithful child? You need to put God and prayer time first everyday.  Once you've done that, the rest will fall easily into the right perspective.  Let's get through the end of chapter two in your study book this week, and don't forget to pray for those on your prayer list.
Nutrition lady?  You need to make sure you're eating from your healthy anti-inflammatory foods list.  Don't forget to drink lots of water and take those vitamins.
Mama bear?  Make sure you work with the boys on completing their chore lists without constant reminders.  And don't forget that it's your job to play with them and enjoy them everyday too!
Lady Gardener?  There's a lot of debris to get picked up in both the front and back once the rain lets up.  Let's try to also get the leaves cleaned out of those front flower beds too.  It will be time to plant soon!  If the weather doesn't clear up, at least get that worm composting bin started.
Girlfriend?  Don't forget about Talkin' Tuesday.  Not that TT would ever be forgotten, since it's one of the highlights of your week.
Wife? Make sure you do something nice for your hubby this week.  Just something little to show him how much he's appreciated and loved.  Plan something for Friday night when the kids are at Nana's.  Maybe do some more anniversary planning too.
Dual blogger?  Let's get some blogging done each day, and avoid the Talkin' Tuesday hangover this week.  Maybe catch up on the drafts that are started for the boys, and then keep the balance blog updated daily.
Inner self? Set aside at least one hour this week to just do something that you love that brings you joy.  Just for you.

And finally, remember that Fridays are O.F.F.  days (Official Fraddling Fridays).   With Friday being an O.F.F. day, we need to get this to do list done so that Friday can be just about showing love and spreading joy.

Yoga as Worship

I started this blog to have a way to see my progress, both with looking for balance, and yoga.  Mostly for yoga though.  I wanted to have a way to look back and see how far I'd come, and how it had helped.  I know it will help, simply because of how wonderful and refreshed I feel after a class.  Not so much during class, because it kicks my out-of-shape butt, but at the end, and after.... I feel A-maz-ing.  Just incredible.  The feeling usually lasts all day.

Now, notice I say I started out with those intentions.  But, clearly, this has become equally, if not more, about my search for balance and my relationship with God.  Because here, I can write the things I'm too afraid to say out loud to people, as wrong as that may be.  And I'm realizing how much I need this outlet for that side of me!

However, I don't actually see the two things, God and yoga, as separate, or opposing, or whatever the rest of the world may think.  I have always been a person who doesn't feel very connected to God in church.  I know, I know.  How can I say that?  Well, hang on and let me explain before you decide to stone me.  Church is okay.  I learn from it.  I'm uplifted by it.  But it's not where I feel closest to God.  I have always felt closest to God when I am out in nature.  Out in His Creation, I see the miracles of all He created, all around me.  I see his touch in the leaves on the trees, hear it in the wind, smell it in the flowers, admire it in the sunset.  That is where I feel connected to Him.

When my oldest was around two, we were out in LA with my parents, visiting my brother.  Mom and Dad went out to dinner with some friends, and I decided to hang back at the condo with my little one.  We ended up walking down to sit on the beach and watch the sunset.  It was a wonderful evening.  Quiet and peaceful. As we walked down to the beach, I remember thinking how I wished that there were shells to collect on the beaches, like there are in Galveston.  It's one of my favorite things to do...look for pretty shells on the beach.  But there just aren't any on the California beaches usually.

At this time in my life, I was just starting to come back to my faith after a long, long, LONG period of doubt.  I mean, a really long time.  As my little one and I found our way onto the beach, we saw that it was just covered with dozens and dozens of shiny, smooth, black stones.  I'd never seen anything like them on any beach.   They were beautiful.  So we sat together on the sand, and watched the waves and the sunset, and collected these really cool rocks.  And as I watched my son dig in the sand with the sun setting behind him, I felt so connected to God.  So in tune with Him.  So believing in Him!  It was a somewhat surprising but oh-so-joyful feeling.   And I was so grateful for every moment.  It's one of those times that I can recall with such clarity, that the joy comes right back along with the memory.  We took home a small pocketful of those rocks to remember the evening.

The next day, we went back down to the beach again, hoping to walk and collect a few more rocks.  There was not a single one on the beach, anywhere.  They were completely gone.  If I hadn't saved a few the night before, I might have thought I'd imagined them.  And I can't help but feel that God put those rocks there just for me.  Call me crazy if you want, but He totally used that evening to get through to me again.  And I finally listened!

So this is why I say I don't feel closest to him in church.  Church is good.  But nature is better.  His creation is better.  And now, I've realized that yoga is another way for me to feel closer to Him, and thankful, and aware.  There is no one else in between us. No pastor. ( I love Pastor Mike!)  No choir ( I love our choir!) No having to greet and say hello to dozens of people (who are all very nice, but did I mention I'm an introvert, and I mean INTRO-vert, and that really just drains me?).    In nature, and during yoga, it's just me and God.   Period.  Me being thankful to Him.  Him filling me with peace, love, strength, hope, or whatever I need most that day.

When I started to write this post, I thought it would be about how yoga doesn't have to be new age, or Hindu, doesn't have to be anti-christian.  And I did a little research on the web, and yikes!   There are some preachy and judgemental people out there!  Wow!  You "christians" are the ones who drove me into that long, long, long period of doubt.  Because it was a long time before I learned that God and religion are NOT the same thing.  Religion is what man brings to it, however he might choose to twist it to fit his own....whatever.  I'm not going there.  I hate religion.  I love God.  And if it comes down to a choice, I'm going to ask myself everytime what would God & Jesus say or do over what do humans and religions say to do.

Jesus was always freaking people out.  Doing things that "weren't allowed".   Hanging out with tax collectors and prostitutes.  Maybe in 2010 he'd be hanging out at the yoga studio, who knows?  I do know that he wouldn't be worried about what people were saying he should or shouldn't do.   He'd be worried about what was in my heart.   He wouldn't see yoga as me in worship of myself (because trust me, when I see myself in the mirror I'm not going to worship that image!)  but instead he would see in my heart that I am in awe and worship and awareness of Him.  He would know that I am acknowledging that I can't do it all on my own, and I need Him.  He would know that I am thankful for every cell of my body that is able to practice these crazy poses, thankful for getting a tiny bit better each time, thankful for the good health I have, thankful for the chance to be still. 

"Be still, and know that I am God."  

Psalm 46:10.  

That has got to be my favorite verse in the bible.  So powerful.  So difficult to do.

Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart

1 Samuel 16:7

So, yes, for me, yoga IS worship. And I know He knows what's in my heart, so I'm okay with saying that. It is my chance to spend 90 minutes taking care of the body God has blessed me with, and also being still and loving Him.    

In the words of Jesus:

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. 

Matthew 5:8

Do you know what? There are a few times, when I've had a really, really good practice, really focused the whole time on being still, and being aware of Him, when at the end, I felt as connected to him as I did that night on the beach.   I can feel His peace and love.  It's incredible. It's joyful.  It's priceless.

Joyful Thanksgiving.   Is there any other workout that can leave you filled with that feeling?  That's a workout I can keep doing.  That I actually look forward to doing.

May you be blessed by the stillness and quiet, 
so that you might have a chance to practice 'knowing God'.

The Recipe for Balance

 

More signs of hope for spring!  I've had several little crocus bulbs poking their heads up despite the cold, cloudy, dreary, yucky, miserable, will-it-ever-be-over-and-warm-up-again weather!  

They make me smile, 

make me happy, 

make me hopeful.

The pictures above and below are how they looked this morning:

Then, this afternoon, the sun came out and hope bloomed:

Those are the same two flowers, both photographs taken today.  Amazing what a little time, and hope (and sun!) can do to change the way things look!

They may be hiding in the leaves, Mother Nature's version of I Spy or Where's Waldo, but they are there if you are just willing to look.  Hope is always there, if you're just willing to look and to believe. It may still be waiting beneath the soil for the right time to pop up and bloom, but it is there.  Embrace hope.  Do not get discouraged.   Be hopeful.

 

Several months ago, when I first started to redecorate and clean out my pit of an office, I hung up a large cross on the wall.  In the middle, there is a circle with the word HOPE inscribed upon it.  My husband looked at it, and said, "What do you need hope for?"  And I looked at him, and thought "What do I not need hope for?"  I need hope that I can achieve all the things on this huge 'to-do' list that I've given myself.  I need hope that I can get myself (and my life in general) balanced out and happy.  That I can finally get this stupid office cleaned out!  Now, this pit of an office is no exaggeration.  It has been overflowing with stuff since before we moved to Texas.  In Oklahoma, the room was about 1/2 the size, but we had two computer desks, my husband's drum set and music gear, his electronics junk,  and all of the office bookkeeping/paperwork crammed in that little room.  It was not the least bit organized.   When we moved, the office got bigger, but it also became the dumping ground for whatever hadn't been unpacked yet.  Or stuff that we didn't know where to put yet, or.....whatever we didn't want people to see and trip over.  Throw it in the office and close the door.  Two and a half years later, I finally decided enough was enough.  I'm going to get that office cleaned out and organized if it kills me!  I'm working on it.  And it's slow going.  But I'm thinking about it from a more balanced perspective.... a little, plus a little, plus a little more, will eventually end up with the office/retreat that I have in my head.  I will get there.   I have hope!  

It's a little bit like yoga.  I can't do half the poses.  I can't balance on one foot with my fingers wrapped around my big toe and my leg out straight in front of me.  Heck, I can barely balance on one leg!  But every time I practice, I get just a little bit closer to my goal.  And it's okay to be working on it.  To be practicing.  I'm giving myself permission to not be perfect all at once, but to let it be a process, a journey.  Toward balance, not perfection. 

I put that cross up on the wall of my unfinished office, to remind myself that I'm not on this journey alone.  

I pray that God, who gives hope, will bless you with complete happiness and peace 

because of your faith. And may the power of the Holy Spirit fill you with hope. 

Romans 15:13 

Contemporary English Version

Last week, my husband said to me, "When you finally get that office finished, you know you will have reached the end of your quest."  Well, what he said was better than that, but I can't remember the exact words he used.  They were both funny and so true.   And he's right.  That office is the symbol of my quest for balance.  And I am definitely still searching!  

For now there are faith,

   hope, and love.

   But of these three,

   the greatest is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13 

Contemporary English Version

Sounds like a great recipe for balance to me.  A little faith, a little hope, and a little love.  I'll have to keep that mantra in my head!

May you be blessed with faith, hope, & love, 

and maybe even a tiny bit of balance!

Reflections

On this day of your life, God wants you to know ... that to love is to be vulnerable.
   
Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.

I read that this morning, kind of shrugged, and thought, Well, that doesn't really apply.   I love and am loved by my boys, my husband, my family, my friends.  I'm already open and taking that risk.  Then God poked me in the back, tapped me on the shoulder, whispered in my ear...  (Wait,  I am not a crazy person.  I don't mean He actually poked me or any of that.  I didn't actually hear a voice.  But it was the same as if I had...)
So, I'm sitting there, almost smirking to myself about how I've already got this one handled, and then... Bam!  Gibbs Slap to the head.... (Come on, you watch NCIS don't you?  Mark Harmon rocks!)  Anyway, I get this mental slap-to-the-back-of-the-head and the not exactly whispered.... "What about Me?" 

As usual, He's right, and I'm wrong. 
Do I love God?  Yes!
Do I go to worship? Yes! 
Do I pray regularly? Yes!
Do I try to go about my daily life as I think He might want me to? Yes.
Do I participate in handbells and other groups at church?  Yes.
Do I read and study and reflect?  Yes. 
Is my heart completely open and fully taking the risk of loving and being loved by Him?  No.


That's a little shocking isn't it?  It's my secret (not-so-secret now...) confession.  I am still afraid.  I am still worried about offending people who might not agree with me.  I am still worried that people will think I'm 'one of those religious nuts'.  I am not comfortable talking to people about God, or telling them that I will pray for them.   I am worried about being judged.  I still isolate myself from God, even though I know that He is always with me, always supporting me, always loving me.  Sad, right?

I had a friend ask me the other day if I had given up anything for Lent, or if that was just something Catholics do.  And I couldn't say it.  I wrote out this beautiful post about it, obviously have it well thought out and am doing it everyday, but I couldn't say it.  I was afraid.  And then I was ashamed at not taking the awesome opportunity to share with her.   So I tried to start telling her, but it just came out a jumbled mess that didn't make much sense.  I wasn't comfortable talking about how I look at it as giving up something that separates us from God. That was just too risky.  And because I haven't let my heart truly, fully open, I lost a perfect opportunity to share God's love.  Shame on me.

God, make a fresh start in me,
      shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
   Don't throw me out with the trash,
      or fail to breathe holiness in me.
   Bring me back from gray exile,
      put a fresh wind in my sails!
   Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
      so the lost can find their way home.
   Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
      and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
   Unbutton my lips, dear God;
      I'll let loose with your praise. 

Psalm 51:10-13 (The Message)

 

Something I need to, and will be,  working on, to be sure.  It's just not something you ignore when you're head slapped and told 'snap out of it' by the real 'boss'.  So this is me, saying, "Yes, Boss!" May God help me to unbutton my lips and my heart, so I can sing His praises and share His love.

May you be blessed with a fully open heart, 

and filled to overflowing with His love.

It's not all about me

I wrote before about how we were going to Great Wolf Lodge to celebrate my oldest's upcoming birthday.   Not my personal idea of fun, but lots of fun for a mom to watch her boys have such a great time.  And I even learned a few things while we were there.

My youngest fell in love with these wave runners that were glued to the floor on the little kids area of the waterpark.  He pretty much just wanted to sit on them and shoot water at people the whole time if he wasn't floating in the lazy river.  He told me they weren't shooting water out of their squirters, but that they were squirting out cheese.  Both days he told me this.  I envisioned him riding a giant can of spray cheese, but it quickly got boring to just stand there and watch him squirt water cheese for an hour.   So I did a little yoga.  I kid you not.  In one of my classes last week, the teacher had us squatting on our toes.  It's supposed to be good for the soles of your feet.  And she said that if it's really torture for your feet to do this (like it is for mine), that you should try to do it a least once or twice a day for a couple of breaths.  So I toe-squatted next to the cheese rider.  And I tried to just be in the moment and appreciate how much fun he was having, instead of thinking about how bored I was.  He was so happy to be there doing that while the older ones rode the bigger rides, and all I had to do was just stand squat and watch. 

Later, we made a second trip to the arcade.  Nana generously gave each of the boys money for more tokens, so they all headed off to find their favorites from the first visit.  Nick's was one of those claw machines that picks up candy, and if you miss, you get to try again.  Perfect for a three year old.  Success on every try.  He was in heaven.   I, however, was bored again.  And I was worrying about him running out of tokens.  And not getting any tickets. And not getting to play any of the other games.   Until I remembered how happy the wave cheese rider had made him, and realized this was exactly the same.  They were his tokens, so if this made him happy, so be it.  Again, I let go of what I wanted, handed him token after token, held out the bag for him to put his candy into, and just enjoyed watching him have fun.  In his eyes, it was absolutely perfect, and he wouldn't have changed a thing.  All my worrying was for nothing (as it usually is...).


Finally, once we had made it back home and were doing the bedtime thing, I was once again ready to be done and move on.  I laid in their room with the boys, waiting for them to go to sleep, silently wishing they would hurry up.  Then I thought of just trying to be present in the moment again.  I thought how blessed I am to have two healthy little boys to love.  And then I thought of three mothers I know,  who would have given anything to be in that same situation I was wishing to hurry along.   A good friend whose son is very sick and in the hospital again for surgery.  A mom who is planning a pancake fundraiser to honor the little girl she lost to cancer, instead of snuggling with her in bed.  A mom who lost a son to cancer, and would give anything just to kiss him goodnight and tell him she loves him, even if he were asleep. They wouldn't be wishing to hurry the moment along.  They would be wishing for it to never end.

And it hit me.  Or God whispered.  Or whatever....  It's not all about me!  Duh.  I really don't think I'm that self-centered, but I definitely needed the reminder that it's not all about ME.  It's all about showing love, spreading joy, to those we love.  Even showing love, God's love, to people we don't know.

Imagine that.  It's not all about me.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, 

I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

 "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least 

of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

 Matthew 25:35-40 (New International Version)

 May you be blessed by showing love and 

spreading joy to someone else.

Eureka! I have found it (or at least a piece of it!)

I have a confession to make.   I am a people pleaser.  It's not really such a good thing. I've always cared too much about what people think of me, what they think of how I look, what I'm doing, how my children are acting.  Even when I knew I wasn't really doing anything 'wrong', I would often feel.... I don't know, almost ashamed?... if someone disapproved of something about me.  Or even if I just thought they disapproved.  Or might disapprove.  Kind of ridiculous now writing that down, but it's true.  It has always been one of my struggles.  I want approval.

Yesterday, as I was trying yet again to fit in a trip to pick up my new glasses, I had a conversation in my head.  And I used my nice inner voice instead of the mean, judgemental one.  "Does it really matter if you fix your hair like you're going out on a date first?  They'll still give you your glasses if you're wearing a ponytail.   Just because it's in an upscale area, do you really need to dress up first?  No.  What you're wearing is fine.  It's GOOD ENOUGH!"   So off I went in my jeans and my ponytail to pick up my new glasses.  And do you know what happened?  I walked in the door, and back out (wearing my new glasses) in about 90 seconds.  Now, wouldn't I have felt foolish, and un-necessarily stressed, if I'd spent an hour doing my hair and makeup first?   Yes.  Did the girl tell me "Oh these are fun...you look cute!" even with my ponytail and jeans?  Yes!

Today, my friend and I met at McD's for an after school play date/mommy talk.  There were quite a few people there, and our boys happily played for an hour or so before getting hungry.  By the time we got our food, the place had pretty well cleared out, and it was nice and quiet in the play area.  We sat all four of our boys down at the table next to us, and let them eat.  Well, you know sooner or later, at least one of the boys was going to burp.  It just happens.  And then another one burped back.  And then they giggled.  And then another burp.  And more riotous giggles.  They were being boys and having such fun.   My friend and I looked at each other, recognized the harmless joy in our boys, and I said, "Well, at least it's just us in here and they aren't bothering anyone."  I'm a big believer teaching good manners, and good behavior, but also in letting children be children, and letting boys be boys.  Burping is a natural bodily function.  And somehow those bodily functions are just highly amusing to kids.  Go ahead an burp, have a little fun.  You're not hurting anyone, and it's not like we're out to dinner somewhere!

About 30 seconds after I said 'at least we're alone in here',  we hear from the other side of the post next to us: "THAT IS SO RUDE!!!  THEY SHOULD NOT BE BURPING LIKE THAT.  IT IS JUST RUDE.   I FIND IT VERY OFFENSIVE." 

Oh......crap.  Sorry, but that's what I thought.  Great, we're NOT alone in here, and now this mom is getting all huffy about it.   I mean, she was harsh.  And judgemental.  And the words coming at us just felt like venom.    So much so that, before I could form and offer an apology and explain that we had thought we were alone,  I was speechless.  I was.   I couldn't believe how harshly she was speaking to us, and assuming that she knew everything about how our boys behave ALL THE TIME, and how we've chosen to raise them.  (Now, let me just say, she had every right to be offended.  And even to ask us to get them to stop.  But it was the manner in which she was basically verbally attacking us that wasn't cool.)

In a kind voice, my friend replied with something like, "Yes, boys are like that.  Do you have any boys?"
She said: Yes, I do.  I have FIVE CHILDREN.  (With the tone, And I am a better mother than you!)

And then she continued on, and on, and on.  How it was rude.  How she doesn't allow that.  That her children are not allowed to burp.   Ever.  If they absolutely must, they have to leave the room first.  Are you kidding me?    How it is a constant battle, but she doesn't let them burp no matter what.  How she has five children, and if she can do it, then we could do it also.  As if we don't, and have never, taught our children any table manners. 

Now, as she continues to lecture us about how we should teach them manners, I have already long since quietly turned to the boys, and asked them to stop, since we are not the only ones in the playarea.  They stopped immediately, and ate the rest of their food talking quietly.  Not another burp, not even a tiny one. 

The mom is quiet for about a minute, and then starts lecturing us more on how it really is something that we should do, we should teach them table manners, and we should not let them burp, and we should this, and blah, blah, blah.  Now again, I have no problem with her feeling this way, but I do have a problem with her assuming to know how and what I've taught my children, and how and why I choose to parent them.  The venom coming from her was so awful, that I chose to not explain myself to her.  Because she wouldn't have understood anyway, that it was a choice, and a rare one for me, that we'd made to let the boys 'let loose' like that in public and just be boys and have fun.

I was so very angry at her presumptions, and her judgements, that I was shaking.  I was furious, livid, what other words can I use?  My friend even remarked to her at one point that while she felt our boys were being rude, her comments to us were feeling a bit rude as well.  She said, 'I have not said one word that has been rude to you' and then continued on with her lecture.  No, your words might not be rude in themselves, but your tone and sticking your nose into someone else's business certainly are!  Not to mention that the length of her berating us lasted for about five minutes compared to the 30 seconds of burping at the boys table.  Eventually, after she had stopped and started again about four times, I leaned around the post to face her and said, "I understand that you were offended.  But if you notice, they have long since stopped.  I would think that you could let the matter drop now."  And thankfully she did.

My friend and I tried to calm down from the adrenaline rush of being verbally attacked, and from being so angry about her presumptions about us and our boys.  We're talking about having something to blog about (hmmm... SNL could do a skit of Reba McIntyre.... 'Let's Give Them Something to Blog About...')  As wer're talking she says, laughing,  "Well, you'll have to find a way to find balance in this now you know!"

That got me thinking, and I actually calmed down and let it go pretty quickly after that.  Because I realized that I wasn't trying to please that mom.  I knew that I had taught my children table manners and good behavior.  I knew that I didn't find any harm in choosing to let them let loose for a change, since we thought we were alone.  I knew that I was sorry to have offended her, but that it was truly just an honest mistake about us being alone in the play area.  I knew that **gasp!!**, I don't think burping is that big a deal.  I knew that I wouldn't have gone back and made different choices.   I knew that I'm confident that both my friend and I are good moms. 

And so, Eureka!! I have found it!!   A tiny piece of that balance I'm seeking.  It's been percolating, and now I have the actual feeling (not just me telling myself) that I'm good enough the way I am, and that I'm a good mom, regardless of what some other mom might think. An unexpected blessing to sure!

A Simple Guide for Behavior

Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—

unless, of course, you want the same treatment. 

That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. 

It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face 

and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. 

Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' 

when your own face is distorted by contempt? 

It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, 

playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. 

Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, 

and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Matthew 7: 1-5 The Message

May you be blessed with God's idea of good behavior :)

Percolating Practice

I've started this blog in order tell the story of my quest for balance and my journey with yoga.  You might think my choice of blog names is a little odd, and I guess it is, but it speaks to me, which is what matters.

percolate:

to become active, lively, spirited.  

to show activity, movement, or life.  

to grow or spread gradually. germinate.

prac⋅tice

to perform or do habitually or usually.

to exercise oneself by repeated performance in order to acquire skill.

All of these definitions fit perfectly what I'm trying to do, both with yoga and with seeking balance (more on that later).  'Percolating' makes me think of sitting in my grandmother's kitchen, watching her make coffee in an ancient percolator on the stovetop.  I so loved those childhood summer visits to the country, to a slower paced, oh-so-different way of life.  

And so, I chose 'percolating' for my title because I want to become active, lively, & spirited, to grow in so many ways.  To germinate (why do I love that word so much?).  In order to do this, I plan to make these efforts a habit, to exercise myself by repeated performance in order to acquire skill, not just skill with yoga, but in all the many areas I'm seeking balance.   

Here's to my Percolating Practice...  may it be a successful adventure of active, lively & spirited growth.